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Ready for the weird times??

i am not but unfortunatly it seems as if there's no way around facing it?!! Actually i am kind of relieved that i finally get this confusion more intense than before.. if not that would have ment i m a stone that really didn't get anything from the last 10 months get close in her heart.. but yeah'' it ' s finally there..
realizing .. that some people and some things probably mean more to me than i was aware of??
i kept thinking.. it s not gonna be so hard to go home, just because (against my wish) i didn't really get very close and attached to anybody as i am with my friends or family in germany.. so i kind of thought of steping through the gate, jumping into the plane and closing a chapter.. but.. seems like it's not all like that...
The last days we Seniors have been taking finals.. and once you took the final, you re done with the class.. you probably won't see those folks again but in the hallway.. and yesterday we took history and wouuh.. there are many guys in that class. including the teacher.. that i apreciate a lot and i really felt comfortable being in the same roome with them was alway very relaxed.. just like my english class aswell.., thus it was akward when that one girl stepped up to me. "how much longer are you gonna be here.. ohhh so i don't know, am i gonna see you again? " she was starting to say good bye ..BUT i don't want to be confronted with BYES when i still have 14 days (uaa only 2 weeks? !!! ) here.. so yeah'' sure we ll see tomorrow in hallway and we ll say bye then.. was the excuse to get away from that.. although we probably won't see each other in the hallway as it is just crazy there now during those last days''
We all got released a little early today, they gave out the yearbooks at 12.. although i didn't buy one, (70 $ and VERY HEAVY -->carrying on airplane?-not for me!) i am happy to have followed sarah's advice and bring my notebook and pen! The cafeteria filled up quickly and it is a tradition to let each other sign in the back of your yearbook.. write something nice, best wishes and what ever you want to let the other one know.. as i m going to make my own little yearbook with all the pictures that matter to me.. i m just gonna add those pages (which is half my notebook'') to the end of my photoalbum or so. going around in the cafeteria and talking to all those guys and letting them sign my papers and leaving brief notes in theirs kind of make me realizing that there ARE so many more people i met this year than i was ever clear about! Even if we didn't hang out together.. there was always a little talking going on and .. you just know each other and you re part of each others everyday life.. and i am surprised how many people those were.. i mean.. for only 10 months i ve been here!! and ouff.. i guess i ll somehow miss them.. i just can't imagine how it's gonna be like to see some of them the very last time tomorrow.. of cause the ones i m kind of closer with.. we are assuring each other that we ll hang out together at least one more time.. but who knows whether that'll happen.. i just hope it will'' jeez.. molly, caro, joey, chris, matt, alex, SARAH, and .. ouh all those?? you just get so used to see them everyday .. and .. now you won't anymore?? when i left germany i knew i ll see everyone again and it's hopefully almost gonna be the same again... but those.. maybe one or two will actually make it happen and come and visit .. but let's say 90 percent of them are just saying'' and i don't think i ll ever get back here so.. uaaahha...
and in addition.. tara, kelli, caro and chris have been very akward tday.. i mean i know that they have a even harder time to say bye to their highschool time .. sure they 'll cry tomorrow and .. i dont quite know how to respond to that because in that case i m kind of left out..i just hope they ll get themselves together and we ll have a good last two weeks..
efe, who apearently also has trouble with shan, his hostbrother now , borrowed me his yearbook so i took pictures of every interesting page.. so yeah i don't have to regret to not have bought the yearbook'' i still have at least parts of it:D

and as if that morning had not been confusing, and bringing up enough thoughts and questions... we also had a last orientation meeting with my area rep tonight! WUAAH all at once!!
unfortunalty one girl couldn't come again but still there was veronica, an other girl from germany and that quiet, barely talking korean kid and of cause our area rep with whom i m gonna stay my last.. 3 ?? days..
we had dinner together in a beautiful park downtown and she asked us stuff about what we think of going home.. and kind of tried to prepare us of what might face us no in the last time here and the beginning back home.. which i think is really good.. although i had been making my thoughts about most of this stuff.. it brought up some new issues , -- to worry about''
one thing was.. that most likely we ll have to expect another (even if less intense) "culture schock " back home.. because time didn't freeze while we were gone'' things and mostly people moved and.. as we did and .. i guess it might become .. not as easy as i though to get used to, and accept the moving on of others... she also mentioned that we ll probably start comparing random stuff with america'' just as we did while being here the other way around.. and that people might refuse to listen to our america stories after a while because for others it's just a nice story but it doesn't mean anything to them as it does matter for us, exchange students..
ya.. and talk talk talk.. and we came to the chapter hostfamilies.. and i always had the impression.. that my hostfamily and i get along well.. but we were not that close .. not as close as a family or so.. so i figured.. saying bye shouldnt be to hard..
but now?? really thinking of standing at my area reps house and seeing them probably last time?? ouf.. that will be hard.. i somehow do have them closed in my heart although i m not always aware of that! Val and i do talk quite a lot and bianca and aidan.. are kind of siblings and i can't imagine saying bye to them.. at least with the kids i haven't talked about leaving and i kind of think they re not even really aware of it.. so i guess at least with bianca i should have a little talk pretty soon.. i want to give her something that will keep her from forgetting me.. and i have been thinking about something to give to my hostfamily.. to say "thank you" and "remember me " in an appropriate and personal way.. guess kelli gave me the idea yesterday'' a game'' they like to play and we had been talking about "the Settlers" (? die siedler von catan) a couple of times so i guess they might like that.. and of cause a card.. and i ll have to print out a (few?) pictures with all of us.. the problem is just how to hack get to the store without them??

2 more weeks.. after this week..how quickly it went by.. i don't believe in sense making rush of time anymore.. some weeks seemed to go 4ever but since april everything is just going SO Quick! looking back days are like minutes and months appear as weeks!
i am kind of afraid of tomorrow.. i m invited to bill's to a bbq after school with a whole lot of other guys.. on saturday i ll probably go to the mall with sarah and paige before grad-practice...
oh yeah and tomorrow i have to take my last - biology final! and yhea don't really have the nerve to study for it right now and i didn't have it earlier neither so basicly i didn't study at all'' so i ll probably screw up... what ever'' doesn't count.. other stuff counts way more right now.. getting it down that it's almost over for example'' i m just happy that there's myspace. that makes things easier.. i really hope to stay in touch at least with some of the people here...

ouahhhh how shall i fall asleep tonight? i don't know.. i m just happy that i have myblog because i had to get rid of all that.. i m probably thinking way to much.. it s gonna happen how it will happen what ever i do'' can't change it, time goes by and everything has an end.. and every end brings you a new beginning
and i feel like crying.. (again)if i think of leaving colorado springs, the mountains, those people, my highschool, my usa-everyday life, the amazing libraries, all those restaurants, the movie theaters and the malls with those cool stores :D kind of mostly speaking and listening and having classes in english... and i feel like smiling, by thinking of home (again) and i don't know what of those i ll do.. but right now.. i think there are tears'' again''

uaahhhrg am i ready for the weird times? guess i have to.. because they start .. today! face them, learn from them and deal with it.. isn't that what an exchange year is about? facing situations like that and mature by doing so? I guess.. so.. it's probably time to mature .. and stop writing and go to bed and let thoughts keep on running through my head..
18.5.07 06:32

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